Only I Knew
by AlexisLe97
Summary: I saw past his eyes. I saw past his words. I saw the real him. And it terrifies me. I hate him. Please R & R.


**AN: This may be a one-shot or a long story. I am not very sure at the moment, since I'm very busy, but if I come to a decision that this is a good idea, I'll continue.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Outsiders.  
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><p>I felt betrayed. I shivered. Tears filled up in my eyes and threatened to fall out. I held them back.<p>

**"**Pony, come here," the voice continued. I violently shook my head. I sat still and rocked back and forth. With every second, I was closer to collapsing. He came closer with every breath.

"Please leave me alone!" I tried to convince him. My voice cracked as my voice became high.

I took in the surroundings. I didn't recognize this place. It was dark. Silence surrounded us. My heart beat so loud, I was sure he could hear it. I sobbed, knowing that he was satisfied. I felt sick.

"Never."

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><p>I let the tears escape. They left their barrier and stained my face. I felt the weight of the world on me. My best friend in life betrayed me. I told him not to do it, but he did it anyway. For his own desire. I took a drag on my fag.<p>

Inhale. Exhale.

Curly was right. At times like these, nothing can make you feel better.

I started to sob, but was cut short by a knocking on the door. _He_ came in.

"Pony, baby. Come out, Dar's looking for ya.''I felt myself roll my eyes. _He_ sickens me. I wanted to gag at the sight of his face. I wanted to stab myself at the sound of his voice. I wanted to drown at the scent of his cologne.I wanted to _kill_ myself at the touch of his skin.

I silently nodded and gingerly sat up. I felt lifeless. Like a balloon without air.

"Pony, you finished your homework?" Darry asked as I stepped into the kitchen.

I looked around. There were so many colors, each blaring onto each other, causing a blur. The flowers on the wall seem to be dancing. I wanted to dance with them, and leave this cruel world.

"Pony?" Darry's voice brought me back to the world. I remembered his question.

"Oh, yeah, I finished it." I quickly replied.

"Pony, you're a good kid.'' Darry's voice felt warm, kind. But I know better than to trust a voice like that. I did once and the familiar warm voice transformed to a ice-cold river of hate. I now know better than to trust.

I nodded, giving Darry the notion that I was listening. I sat on the couch. I felt myself sink in deeper, as I stayed still. It was like life. When you do nothing, all your problems just surround you until he are stuck. I am stuck.

"Hey Pone!" Two-Bit let himself into the house. He jumped down next to me.

"Hey," I replied, but with less enthusiasm as he had.

"Where were you, 'lil guy? I didn't see you today at the school."

Where was I? I didn't seem to remember. Everyday seems like a recorded television show. It plays over and over, not allowing me to improvise. I just go along with the script.

I thought of an explanation quick. "I was with Mark, near his car. He was fixin' somethin' and I got curious."

Two-Bit smiled, " You sure are Soda's brother, see? In a year or two girls are gonna be all over you."

At the sound of _hi_s name, I felt sick. I was not _his_ brother. I am nothing like _him_. I am not disgusting.

Two-Bit no longer payed attention to me. He turned his attention to the blasting TV. It played a marathon of a show I didn't recognize. I turned my attention to the TV.

"I love you, and I'll stay true," came from 'Lucy', as I recognized. I was left lifeless. Love isn't a true feeling, it was hate in disguise. Hate hid itself in love, and when the perfect time came, hate would attack. I have had enough 'love'. I looked at 'Lucy'. She was real pretty. I noticed something else. Her mouth said one thing, her eyes another. She rung a bell. For a moment, I felt connected to her. She was paid to say words she surely didn't mean. She had to go by a script, she was bought and sold too. I got up and left. I got outside on the porch and took out my Kools. I reached inside my pocket to find a lighter. The screen door slammed.

"Hey Pony." _His_ voice came. I looked straight ahead.

"Pony." I heard foot steps come closer. My heart screamed for me to run. My feet wouldn't move. I turned to him. He smiled brightly. His eyes were dancing. Behind the dancing eyes, were a show only I would see. It featured him, torturing me all over again. I shivered. I once said I lost a brother, but know I now. I had never lost him, just discovered him.

"What Soda?" My voice came out like sharp daggers.

"Aww, Pony. Why are you mad at me?"

I was tried of his facade, I turned and walked out to the streets, not looking back. I felt the cool November wing blew gently against my face as he said darkly, " Be back before ten."

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><p>I felt the cold ice water hit me all over. I cried. I felt dirty. I am dirty. The salt water from my eyes mixed with the water from the shower, clearing all evidence that I've been crying.<p>

"Pony, come on, I need a turn too." _He_ sure did. He was disgusting, even more than me. He did that to me.

As I got out, he started to come in. I quickly hid myself from his eyes.

"Whoa Pony," _he_ tried to joke. He was a good actor. No one saw past his words and saw his crude humor. No one but me.

I shoved him aside and ran to our room. I lied down as close to the edge as I could on a twin sized bed. I could hear him singing in the shower. I silently prayed to God that he wouldn't hurt me much tonight. There wasn't much time until the worst. I cussed a blue streak. I heard him got out of the shower, preparing for my nightmare. I prayed that aliens- I started to believe in those- would capture me and make me a part of their world. I shook my head. To be more realistic, I prayed that Darry would find out somehow without me telling him what Soda has been doing with me. I sat up as I heard the door creak open. My heart stopped.

"Are you ready Pony?"

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><p><strong>What do you think? I don't think I did so hot, but I want to hear from you guys. Please review and tell me if you are interested!Please excuse any mistakes. I checked my work, but was too busy to get a beta.<br>**


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